My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
