So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
