Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
