people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
