I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
FUCK WHALES
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
