I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
