Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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