he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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