Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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