I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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