She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
