I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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