The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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