mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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