Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
