I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
