I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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