one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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