I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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