so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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