Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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