I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
