12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
this is an emotional support booty call
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
