I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
