i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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