The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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