isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
