I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
