I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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