i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
