If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
