went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
