So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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