i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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