I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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