My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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