You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
