i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
