If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
