the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
