RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
