According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
