I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
