hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
