OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
