his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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