You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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