the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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