the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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