you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
