you're like a bully in the Christmas story
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
